It Will Be Okay
by TrekkieL
Summary: Mother/Son Kathryn/Harry bonding. After a mission gone wrong, Tom is injured and it's Harry's fault. When Captain Janeway finds out Harry's self harmed, she does everything she can to help him. Later, Harry returns the favour when the Captain has a bad conversation with her Mother. Rated T for self harm, depression and mention of suicide.


There were frantic shouts in the transporter room as the away team were beamed up. Tom, Harry, Chakotay and B'Elanna appeared on the transporter pad. Harry knelt on the ground next to a very bloodied Tom Paris.

"Beam him to sickbay, now!" Harry cried. Tom smiled weakly at him before he disappeared. Harry stood and rushed past B'Elanna and Chakotay, only to be grabbed around the arm. Harry turned to look at Chakotay, who was holding his arm with a death grip.

"That was a reckless thing you did down there, Harry. Tom could be dead right now." Chakotay scolded. Harry gulped.

"I know, Sir. I'm sorry." Harry replied.

"Sorry doesn't cut it, Harry." Chakotay shook his head. "If you had listened to me and stayed away from the cave, you wouldn't have been in danger in the first place. Tom protected you. It almost killed him. You're lucky to be alive right now."

"I understand, sir." Harry whispered. Chakotay nodded and released him. Harry straightened his shirt before leaving the room.

When Harry tried to see Tom in sickbay, he was stopped as soon as he entered.

"Mr Kim, now is not a good time!" The Doctor yelled, scanning Tom with a tricorder. He muttered something and rushed across the med bay, grabbing 4 or 5 hypo-sprays. "You'll have to come back at a later date!" Harry nodded and left silently.

When Harry arrived at his quarters, he realised the Captain would find out about what he did. How he'd been stupid and got distracted, about how close he was to the beast cave and how Tom jumped between him and the beast from the cave. How Tom had almost been eaten. She'd never let him on an away mission again. He'd get demoted to crewman.

Harry choked back a sob as he heard his combadge.

"Janeway to Ensign Kim, report to my ready room." _This is it_, he thought. _I'm screwed._

Harry shifted uncomfortably before chiming the door to the Captain's ready room.

"Come in." The Captain's voice called on the other side. Harry took a deep breath and entered.

"You wanted to see me, Ma'am." Harry stood with his hands behind his back. The Captain stood, her face a firm expression of anger, disappointment and sadness.

"When Commander Chakotay gives you an order, you follow it. Is that understood?" She glared at him.

"Yes, Ma'am." Harry nodded. The Captain sighed.

"Out of everyone on this ship, I would never have thought you'd do something like this." The Captain looked up at him. "Tom's life is on the line."

"I understand, Ma'am."

"If I had given the order to stay away from the cave, would you have ignored that?" The Captain asked.

"Permission to speak freely?" Harry stood straighter.

"Granted." She nodded, crossing his arms.

"With all due respect, I didn't realise how close I was to the cave. I was distracted." Harry looked down.

"We can't afford distractions, Mr Kim. What if Tom got distracted at the helm and didn't notice he was piloting us into a sun?" She asked.

"Tom wouldn't do that…" Harry muttered.

"That's because he is an efficient Helmsman, as Seven would say. He does the job and he does it right." The Captain told him. "I'm relieving you of duty until tomorrow. If you can't do your job properly, I'll find someone else, is that understood?"

"Yes, Ma'am."

"Dismissed."

Harry flopped on the bed as soon as he got to his quarters. He resisted the urge to cry and wiped profusely at his eyes. Tom was in sickbay. The captain didn't trust him. The Commander was furious. Gossip would spread around the ship quicker than a virus. Harry blinked back more tears and turned his head. He sat up when he noticed something.

There was a knife on his table, a souvenir from one of their shore-leaves. Heaven's knew why he'd bought it, but he had. Harry tried to shake the thought out his head, but he'd seen the knife, he'd thought about it, he'd made up his mind. He knew he shouldn't, but if it's helped people in the past, it might help him.

Harry stood and picked up the knife before making his way over to his bathroom. He cursed as he saw his teary face in the mirror before rolling up his sleeve and pressing the knife against his skin.

_The next day_

Captain Janeway straightened her posture as the turbolift doors opened.

"Captain on the bridge!" A familiar voice broke the silence. The Captain turned to the owner of the voice.

"At ease, Harry." She smiled warmly. Harry relaxed his shoulders slightly. _Well, looks like I'm keeping my rank. For now. _"I'll be in my ready room. Commander, you have the bridge."

"Aye, Captain." Chakotay nodded. She smiled and strolled across the bridge to her ready room. Characteristically, she walked over to the replicator, replicating a cup of coffee before sitting down and picking up a PADD. She glanced at her desktop monitor, her brows furrowed in confusion.

_1 Notification_

She replaced the PADD on her desk and clicked the notification.

_Ensign Harry Kim's Personal Log: Words detected: Self harm, depression, suicide_

Janeway sat up. She'd programmed the computer to forward personal log's with certain words to her. She wanted to know that her crew were safe. This had only happened 3 times in the past 5 years. She took a deep breath and opened Harry's personal log.

_Harry Kim's Log: Stardate… I can't remember._

_So… I messed up. I got distracted on a mission and… yeah… Tom's in sickbay. I don't know when he'll be out. I nearly got my best friend killed… I don't think I'd be able to live with myself if I'd done that. I'd probably commit suicide or something. I know he'll forgive me because he's an idiot… but I don't deserve that forgiveness._

_I don't think Captain Janeway trusts me after today, and I don't blame her. She said if I can't do my job properly, she'll replace me. Maybe she should do that anyway. Anyone's better than me. I'm a disappointment. I saw it in her eyes. Commander Chakotay's disappointed too._

_I did something today that I probably shouldn't have done, but people have said that self harm helps them, and it does. It's nice. You can feel the relief fill your body once it's done. I should find a dermal regenerator before the Captain sees… If she sees, I'll lose my rank._

_It's just… everything's building up. I never thought I was one with depression, but if this is how depressed people feel all the time, then… maybe I'm becoming one of them. _

Janeway covered her mouth with her hand as she re-read the log, tears pricked in her eyes. She stood and took a moment to compose herself before entering the bridge.

"Captain on the bridge!" Harry stood straight with his arms behind his back.

"At ease, Harry, before you break your back!" She laughed. Harry chuckled a little before running some sort of diagnostic. She paused for a moment before finally approaching Harry. "How's my ship?" The Captain asked. Harry turned around to the panel behind him.

"The repairs on deck 5 and 6 from the attack the other day are underway." The Captain watched as Harry tapped at the panel, but she kept an eye on the Ensign's wrist to see if he _had _harmed himself. She couldn't see anything, not at first. When Harry began talking about holo-decks, his sleeve fell and she could see clearly.

"Ensign… My ready room." The Captain muttered, patting his shoulder before walking across the bridge. "Commander, you have the bridge." Harry swallowed, but followed her anyway. When they were inside, Janeway told Harry to sit on the sofa by her window.

"Computer, no interruptions. Lock the ready room door, authorisation Janeway Pi Alpha." The computer beeped in response. Janeway looked over at Harry, who looked scared for his life. "Harry, relax, I just need to talk to you."

"Am I losing my rank?" Harry asked. Janeway sighed, rummaging through her desk drawer until she found a dermal regenerator.

"No, Harry. The only time you'll lose your rank is when you become a Lieutenant." Janeway smiled softly. Harry looked down. "Harry…" Janeway sat down beside him on the sofa, putting the dermal regenerator to the side, unnoticed by Harry. "I got a notification from the computer this morning."

"What notification, Ma'am?" Harry asked.

"You don't need to call me Ma'am. It's not crunch time." Janeway smiled. Harry nodded. "Harry… When we started our journey, I programmed the computer to forward any personal logs to me if they contained certain words." Harry swallowed. "Self harm was one of them." She sighed. Harry nodded again, tears forming in his eyes.

"I'm sorry…" Harry muttered.

"Harry." Janeway took Harry's face in her hands. "Don't apologise." She whispered. "Any Captain would be lucky to have you on their ship." Harry broke there and then. Janeway wrapped her arms around him, hugging him close and he sobbed.

Janeway knew how serious the Ensign was. When he recovered, he'd most likely be embarrassed about being comforted by the Captain, but when was the last time Harry had been comforted? It's not like he had his parents on board, and Tom wasn't a hugger. Janeway ran a hand through his hair comfortingly before reaching down and pulling the sleeve up. There were 5 clear cuts, fairly deep.

"Oh, Harry…" She whispered as she continued to run a hand through his hair.

When Harry had calmed down, he sat up, apologising for being weak. Janeway placed a hand on his arm.

"Stop putting yourself down, that's an order. You are a valued member of this crew; of this family." Harry nodded, but didn't say anything. "I could never replace you. You're one of the best. My job as Captain is to look out for my crew and keep them in order. I _do _trust you. I don't think you're a disappointment, and neither does Commander Chakotay." Harry nodded again, but didn't speak.

"Yesterday, you were nearly killed. I don't know what I would have done." Janeway told him. "You and Tom are both lucky. If Tom hadn't been there, you would have died, but he was. You're both alive. And I can't be more grateful for that." Janeway smiled softly. "But when I told you I'd replace you, it was a cruel way to make sure you didn't disobey, even accidentally, to keep you safe."

"I'm sorry." Harry eventually muttered.

"Harry… I've already lost you once, back when we duplicated Voyager, and I almost lost you again countless times; in the Beowulf simulation, on the demon planet, in the Akritirian prison. I don't want to lose you again."

"Why not?" Harry asked. Janeway looked taken aback.

"Because you're an inteligent and kind hearted young man and we wouldn't be where we are today without you, Harry. You built an astrometrics lab, you shortened our journey home by years, you found a way to communicate with Starfleet. You should be proud." Janeway wrapped an arm around his shoulder, pulling him so his head was resting on her shoulder. Harry tensed and tried to move away. "Relax, that's an order." Janeway muttered.

"Yes, Ma'am…" Harry sighed, relaxing against his Captain. Janeway rubbed Harry's arm soothingly before reach over and grabbing the dermal regenerator. Harry closed his eyes as Janeway rolled up his sleeve, holding the dermal regenerator over the wounds. Janeway smiled as they vanished, and Harry breathed a sigh of relief.

"Should you have a dermal regenerator, Ma'am?" Harry asked. Janeway smiled.

"No, but you won't tell, will you?"

"No, Ma'am." Harry muttered, a small smile appeared on his face.

"I'm relieving you of duty today." Janeway told him.

"But Captain-!" Harry shot up.

"No buts. You and me are going to the messhall to get something to eat and to talk about what happened, alright?" Janeway asked.

"Aye, Ma'am."

"I want my crew safe and happy." Janeway smiled. "Can you do that for me? Help keep my crew safe and happy?"

"I can certainly try, Ma'am." Harry smiled back. Janeway stood and offered Harry her hand. Harry took it and stood up. Janeway smiled and straightened Harry's shirt.

"If I'm this proud of you, I can't imagine just how proud your Mother is." Janeway smiled. Harry smiled back.

"I try my best, Ma'am."

"When we walk on that bridge, we're gonna pretend to be civilised officers, alright?" Janeway chuckled. Harry mock saluted.

"Yes, Ma'am!" Janeway laughed and led him to the door.

"Computer, unlock door, authorization Janeway Pi Alpha." The door opened and Harry held a hand out, indicating to the door.

"After you, Ma'am." Harry smiled. Janeway bowed gratefully and walked onto the bridge, and Harry followed her to the turbolift. When the turbolift opened on their deck, Harry's eyes lit up.

"Tom!" Harry cried, running forwards. Tom smiled, laughing as he caught his best friend in a bear hug. "Are you alright?!" Harry asked as he pulled away.

"Yeah! Are you?" Tom asked. Harry looked to the Captain, then to Tom.

"How about you join me and the Captain for dinner?" Harry suggested. "I'll tell you all about it. You know, I can't believe how stupid I was." Harry laughed. Tom chuckled.

"You and me both, Har." Tom wrapped an arm around his best friend's shoulders. The Captain watched as Tom and Harry whispered to each other for a while as they walked towards the messhall, walking slightly behind them. Tom suddenly stopped Harry and stood in front of him with a look of concern on his face. Harry shrugged and Tom took a light hold of his best friend's wrist, looking down at it and then back to Harry.

"You're an idiot, Harry." Tom muttered, pulling his friend in for a tight hug, closing his eyes. The Captain wondered if she'd been wrong about Tom not being a hugger.

"I nearly got you killed." Harry replied.

"You know what I remember, Harry?" Tom asked.

"Oh God… Tom, don't." Harry chuckled.

"I remember someone saying 'This man is my friend. Nobody touches him.'" Tom pulled away with a smirk. "I wonder who that was. Maybe it was B'Elanna…"

"It was me, Tom." Harry laughed.

"Hey, what's that?" Tom asked, pointing to the ceiling. Harry looked up and Tom nicked his combadge.

"Tom! I need that!" Harry yelled.

"Come and get it!" Tom shouted as he took off down the corridor. Harry laughed and ran after him. Both boys missed the Captain's large smile.

A month later, Harry noticed something. The Captain came down in the turbolift.

"Captain on the bridge!" Harry yelled enthusiastically. The Captain didn't say anything, just rushed across the bridge to her ready room. Harry frowned. "Permission to be relieved." Harry asked the Commander.

"For what reason?" Chakotay asked.

"I promise, there is a perfectly good reason." Harry replied. "Please, Sir."

"There's nothing going on right now. I don't see why not, but you'd better explain to the Captain later." Chakotay replied.

"I will, I promise. Thank you, Sir." Harry smiled as he left the bridge and made his way to his quarters. He opened the door and looked for something in his cupboards. When he found it, he smiled and left the room, heading back to the bridge. He got off the turbolift and began to walk to Captain Janeway's ready room.

"Hold up, Harry. What're you doing?" Chakotay asked.

"With all due respect, Sir, I can help." Harry told him, holding up the thing he'd got from his quarters. "Please, Sir."

"Alright, thank you, Harry."

"Aye, Sir." Harry nodded before making his way to the Captain's ready room. He chimed the door, waiting for a reply.

"Come in." Harry smiled sadly, hands behind his back, as he entered the ready room.

"Captain." Harry nodded respectfully. Janeway looked up from where she was sat at her desk.

"Harry. Is something wrong?" She asked.

"I believe so." Harry replied.

"Are you alright?" She asked, leaning forward with concern clear on her face.

"I'm alright, thank you, but our Captain seems to be upset." Harry told her. Janeway looked down. "Captain, I might not have access to person logs containing words to be concerned about, but I am a friend you can talk to."

"Thank you, Harry." Janeway smiled. Harry indicated to the sofa, keeping the item behind his back.

"May we talk, Ma'am?" Harry asked. Janeway nodded.

"Yeah, why not?" She smiled weakly, standing from behind her desk and sitting down on the sofa. Harry followed her and sat down, placing the item next to him.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Harry asked.

"I just called my Mother for the first time." Janeway replied. "And she did nothing but complain."

"I thought she'd be happy to hear from you after 7 years." Harry told her. Janeway nodded.

"I thought so too." Janeway sighed. "She was mad because I'm not an Admiral or a hero or a Mother." Janeway sniffed, wiping her eyes.

"Permission to hug, Ma'am?" Harry asked.

"Granted." She whispered. Harry leaned over and pulled her close, holding her in a tight embrace. Harry remained silent, as did Janeway. When she eventually pulled away, she smiled.

"Thank you, Harry."

"Captain." Harry stood, picking the item up and hiding it behind him yet again. "When we return home, I guarantee you'll become an Admiral. You are a hero. Just look at this crew. You've saved so many lives. Mine included. You ordered me to leave the other Voyager to join this Voyager. You got me and the others out of the stasis chamber when we were trapped with Fear. And… You might not be a Mother biologically, but to me, you've been the Mother I needed for the past 7 years." Harry held out the item, handing it out to her.

"This is Earth coffee. I brought it on board for the mission and I wanted to keep it for a special occasion. I'd say this is special enough." Janeway smiled and accepted the jar of coffee.

"Thank you, Harry." She smiled. "It's hard to believe you're the same young man you were at the beginning of our journey. And it's even harder to believe you're the same man who sat here a month ago."

"I realise I never apologised for that." Harry muttered.

"No apologies necessary." Janeway smiled. "I believe things are well for you now?"

"They will be."

"What do you mean?" She asked.

"There's something I have to do first." Harry replied.

"Oh? And what's that?"

"Talk to your mother." He smiled.

"Well, I'll make sure you're there when I call her in two weeks." She laughed.


End file.
